Bob Crow.

The leader of the RMT is obviously living in a parallel universe, where there is no credit crunch.  In BC-land, no businesses have undergone complusory redundancy programmes and everyone has received a healthy pay rise this year.  Why else would he be pressuring London Underground for a 5% pay increase this year and an assurance that there will not be any compulsory redundancies?

The firm I work for (like many in the City) has lost around 10% of its workforce to redundancy, and has enforced a pay freeze this year. Bonuses are but a distant memory.  Yes, it’s tough.  But we endure.  And the last thing we need is some militant arse-wipe holding us tube-users to ransom.  And I know I’ve just started the last three sentences with conjunctions.  And I don’t care (see – there’s another).

I’m sure that fact that England are playing at Wembley tomorrow night is merely coincidence…

I’ve just come to the end of my last 18-month contract with Orange and have realised that, for the last year and a half, I’ve been paying for an unnecessary extra ‘bundle’ of text messages.  More fool me, you say, and you’d be right.

I originally started with Orange in 2005; in those days monthly contracts consisted of two ‘bundles’ – one air/call time and one for texts.  As I’m not a big texter, I opted for the Text60 plan.

Fast-forward 18 months to 2007 and my upgrade. By this time, Orange had brought out their ‘animal’ plans and I was advised that ‘Raccoon’ or ‘Amoeba’ or whatever was the best match – 225 mins, 100 texts. “Fine,” I said. “Sign me up”.

You may see where this is going…  At no point did the operative tell me that my existing Text60 bundle would carry forward – and I only realised last night that I’ve been paying out all this time for something I didn’t need.

So, one quick call to Orange Custard Services and a rant later, I’m now being credited back a large portion of my unnecessary expenditure and have successfully removed the offending item.

Thanks, Orange – but, due to your poor advice, I’ll be jumping ship at the earliest opportunity…

…did someone say “iPhone” just then? No? I must have imagined it…

Thanks, 5×5, for putting it so succinctly.  As a parent, I find in inconceivable (not to mention incomprehensible) that someone could commit such atrocities in their own home to their own, innocent flesh and blood.

The death penalty just isn’t enough for some people.

I know that we Brits have got a reputation for complaining, but does no-one possess a sense of humour any more?

After the Brand/Ross débacle (which, ironically, centered on an actor famed for his potentially-semi-racist-but-certainly-stereotyped-depiction-of-a-foreigner role), the “meeja” are now stirring up trouble for Mr. Clarkson…

One hundred and eighty-eight complaints before it hit the press. Out of an audience of seven million. Now, my maths may be rusty but even I know that’s a tiny percentage (0.003% -ish) that are calling for Jezza’s head on a platter.

As at time of writing, the number has literally swelled to 517 (0.007%) individuals that have nothing better to do with their time than complain; 329 that probably don’t even normally watch TG (an increase of 175%, seeing as we’re playing the maths game).

As for JC – sack him? Hell no – make him Prime Minister (or at least give him a knighthood for services to common sense and clear thinking)!

I am, of course, referring to the ghastly “Can I get…?”; usually when ordering a triple-skinny-mocha-caramel-latté.

Aaaarrgh! If I was the attendant/server, my tongue would be black and blue. Yes, you can “get”, but only if you ask properly. “May I have…?” is more than suitable, and contains the same number of syllables.

It’s not big, it’s not clever – and could possibly get you killed.

Especially if I hear you say it again.

No, I’m not trying to be funny. The tragic loss of life due to spiralling knife crime is something that should concern everyone (especially those in the position to actually *do* something about it).

But the irony is not lost on my twisted sense of humour…

What am I blathering on about? Well, dear reader, it appears that BBC TV’s “Top Gear” may not be strictly playing by the rules…

There was I, enjoying yet another repeat of TG on Dave (no relation); specifically Series 8 Episode 8, where one Jensen Button proceeded to put in a 1:44 lap of the TG track in the old reasonably-priced car.

Now, as talented as Mr Button is, I can’t quite believe that he managed to swap cars several times on his lap and still come in under two minutes. What’s that you say? Swap cars? How?

Careful analysis of the footage (ok, the missus spotted it first) reveals that JB leaves the start line in a flurry of wheel-spin and a ’52 plate Suzuki Liana. Later on in the same lap, the car miraculously transforms into an ’03 plate, back to a ’52 and once more to an ’03 before crossing the line. Impressive or what?

My better half has emailed the TG producers over this petit faux-pas but has yet to receive a reply. If you’re reading, guys, it’s not really that big a deal but I’d like to try a few laps of the track in said car; just to see if it really *is* magic… Failing that, a couple of tickets to the show wouldn’t go amiss

Problem is, I can’t focus on the Star Laps now without wondering if it’s going to happen again.

One more illusion – shattered.

My head is full of cotton wool, my nose is producing more fluid than Kleenex ever expected, and someone has seen fit to squirt onion juice into my eyes. I look more zombie-like than Nick Frost at the end of “Shaun of the Dead”.

So, on attempting to purchase some self-medication in the local pharmacy, the last thing I expected to be asked was, “Is this for you?”. Upon answering with an affirmative grunt, the questioning continued.

“Have you used these before?”
“Ungh.”
“Be sure to read and retain the leaflet for full instructions.”
“Ungh.”

All I wanted was a cold remedy. I mean, nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition…

…what’s wrong with “turkey salad”? I don’t know about you but the original description is making for some rather unusual mental imagery.

A few other gastronomical annoyances/translations:

• Jus – it’s gravy
• Wrap = sandwich filling surrounded by chamois leather
• Crepe = deep- or pan-fried chamois leather
• Pan-fried – what else would you use?
• “On the vine” – i.e. with the green bits still attached. Why pay extra for someone else’s lackadaisical harvesting?